President Announces Restructuring of USA
by David Krieger, January 2002

In a surprise announcement, President Bush has called for a restructuring that would convert the United States of America into a wholly owned subsidiary of the Department of Defense. "This will be a good move for both sides," the President said. "It will give the Defense Department what they want and it will make the American people feel more secure."

The new entity will be known as the Department of Defense USA (NYSE symbol: DOD). Mr. Bush said that under the new structure he would remain on as president, while Donald Rumsfeld, currently Secretary of Defense, would assume the position of Chairman and Dick Cheney would continue as CEO.

The president announced that an important step toward achieving this goal would be to turn over another $48 billion to the Defense Department in fiscal 2003, raising their annual budget to nearly $400 billion. This comes on the heels of a $33.5 billion increase for fiscal 2002. The president also announced his intention to raise the budget for Homeland Security to $25 billion. "Our first priority is the military, our highest calling," Mr. Bush said.

The president likened the arrangement to a gated community for wealthy homeowners. "We're rich," he said, "and there are a lot of people that don't like us for that. We need to protect ourselves from the people who don't like us and are evil. The best way to do that is with our military forces, meaning our brave men and women with missiles, camouflage outfits and other defense stuff. These people are protecting us and they deserve a bigger ownership stake."

The president referred to a recently released study by a senior World Bank economist that found that the richest one percent of the world population earn as much as the poorest 57 percent. In bolstering his argument, the president pointed out that the poorest ten percent of Americans are still better off than two-thirds of the world's population.

"We can't exactly build a Great Wall around America like the one they have in China," the president stated, "although we can sort of put one up in the sky to keep out the missiles of evil people. We can also give enough money and power to our military that we won't need to build a Great Wall, which would be costly and take resources away from the education of our children."

Wall Street reacted favorably to the president's proposed restructuring. Said one analyst, "This reorganization has been needed for a long time. It really only recognizes the reality of the situation."

[For the record, in case this sounds too close to reality, it is not yet true, except for the president's quote in paragraph 3, his intention to raise the Pentagon budget by $48 billion and the Homeland Security budget to $25 billion, and the World Bank expert's figures on income disparity. The United States is not yet, in fact, officially a wholly owned subsidiary of the Department of Defense.]